It’s been a month since one of my longest and best friends passed away.

We had been friends since the fifth grade. She had just turned 35 in February. Too friggin young…

I haven’t found out from the family exactly what happened to her but she was found in her room. They’re thinking it could have been from mixing medications…she was always very sick and on some type of medication. I keep thinking if maybe someone had checked on her…her stepmother knew something was off with her that morning. I guess she did as much as she could. She obviously wasn’t thinking she would die later on that day…

For the first couple weeks I would just sob uncontrollably. I think part of me also felt guilty because I had bitched about her to some of my other friends. She could be a pain in the ass sometimes (a lot of the time)…but she wasn’t a mean person. She loved talking to people, even strangers. She always had the best of intentions. And she loved her son more than anything or anyone. She needed new clothes, desperately, but her son came first. Always. Even if she had holes in her clothes. I gave her a JCP gift card for Christmas. I told her to buy some clothes. She didn’t have much money, she struggled most of her life. Instead she bought a necklace and sent me pictures of it saying “thank you so much for my necklace!” I was just shaking my head like “Girl…you need CLOTHES!” But it made her SO ridiculously happy. She was wearing that necklace the last time I saw her at the funeral service. I’ll never get that image out of my head.

It doesn’t matter that she was a pain in my ass. I still loved her and I was probably her only real friend. The worst part about all of this is I don’t have my weekly phone calls with her. That’s hitting me the hardest. The realization that there will be no more phone calls… We always talked on Fridays, no matter what. Sometimes a couple times during the week, depending on what was going on with her. Something will happen and I will think “I can’t wait to call and tell her” and then I’m like “OH…” Last week a song came on the radio that I always told her was her song…it’s a pretty emotional song for me anyways but for some reason when it came on I completely lost my shit. Driving and sobbing and snot everywhere. It was not pretty.

It’s just so weird that she’s not here anymore. She’s not on this earth anymore. The more I think about it the more it kind of blows my mind and I start thinking about death and where we go after we die…enough of that.

It seems to be getting better but I have my moments where I just break down. I don’t mind. I’m obviously not done mourning her and probably won’t ever really be done. But someday I won’t think about her and want to cry. I’ll think about her and smile.