I have been consistently hooking up with men since I kicked my husband out back in June. Who wants to be celibate for an extended period of time? Not this bitch. Why would I?! That’s bananas. Especially considering I went a full TWELVE months without sex when I was married. I have a lot of catching up to do. Still catching up, BTdubs…

party drunk epic booty happy 4th of july

It was about the second week in January and it had been about a week since my last romp(s). Gary and Lover, to be exact. In the same weekend. My amazing friend, Panda, had a proposition for me. No, it was not a fucking proposition. It was a goddamn bet. She had bet me that I couldn’t go an entire month without having sex. I really cannot back down from a good bet. Especially when the prize was a night of drinking with her. Free drinks? With PANDA?! Holler. I will do a lot of things for free drinks. Even if it means no peen for 30 days and 30 nights… (thank someone’s God that she didn’t say no masturbation…I would have died).

drink booze moderation moderate

I agreed. The second week of January was pretty easy; which was technically my 1st week of being “celibate”. I was thinking about it but I could put it in the back of my mind because I had just gotten laid…so it wasn’t that bad.

The third week was a little easier. I thought, “hey, I got this…I can do this”, while in the back of my mind thinking about my next fix…and that hot bearded guy in the Dodge Ram at the traffic light in front of the Wal-Mart. The last week was, in all honesty, the hardest. I thought it would be the easiest…since I had already gone 3 weeks without. But I had already made plans for my next booty call. It was February 1st and 3rd that I had two “dates” planned. To this day I don’t know why I still call them “dates”. A date involves me being fed…that doesn’t happen.

GIPHY Originals whatever unimpressed side eye oh please

I can remember being so excited on February 1st. Like…it was Christmas Day for me. I was going to get to unwrap that glorious peen and be relieved of my sexual frustrations. Navy Beans was the first to experience the wrath of the sexual prowess that is me. And while it was satisfactory…it really wasn’t that great. I expected more. I was still happy that I was even doing it. And then February 3rd…we’ll call him Jay. “We” had high hopes for him. He ended up being an angry mama’s boy. Bruises for days. I had to use cover up when I went to see Bae… I still haven’t not spoken to Jay since then.

eye roll mr bean rowan atkinson

While I was on this 30 day journey, I learned a little bit about myself. That it was okay to have a couple glasses of wine by myself (okay, okay…a bottle)..and not expect a man to come over at the drop of a dime and please my drunken ass. I learned that I really could survive without having sex. I mean, I really thought I would just die without the D in the V. I learned that it was actually kind of peaceful not having my phone constantly blowing up with sexual requests all the time. Or 99.9% of the time…every night. Because that’s really the only time a fuckboy will text you is when they are home, alone, horny, and desperate. I learned to be a bit more picky with the men I was deciding to talk to. Might I add that in that entire time I did not meet anyone “new”. That’s a huge step for me!

yes win victory winning success

I learned that I am worth more than all of that.

But…at the same time…I am still having sex with near strangers to fill some void that I am unaware of. I already have…this past Friday to be exact. And probably this week sometime…with a new one.

But…am I really unaware?

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit bae lifeguard baewatch