I blogged a little over a week ago…all googly-eyed and filled with ridiculous hope. Aaaaand just like that everything can fall apart. This is what I get for opening myself up…I get let down. Every. Single. Fucking. Time.
I saw Captain…Captain Crazy, he has since been dubbed…a week ago, on a Thursday. We were normal. Silly, flirty, tipsy, comfortable. We drank, talked, listened to music, reheated leftovers, feasted, went to bed and had awesome sex. In the midst of this, he tells me he wants to commit. He is ready for a relationship. That was certainly a surprise. He was even talking about the future…moving in someday…etc etc. I have to admit I was actually excited about all of this.
That was Thursday. Monday night he texts me and gives me a bunch of bullshit about how he is going to be distant for a while, because he has to focus on work, and he just can’t handle what’s going on in his life right now…and some other bullshit. Really? Because you have been distant the entire time we’ve been together, dickwad. But OK, anyways… Let’s not get into the mental issues I think he has…talking about “monsters” inside. Drugs maybe? I’m not sure but I think I really dodged a bullet here. So we texted some more…and he basically he to the conclusion that “this” is just “bad timing”. He doesn’t have time for me…I kind of got that feeling. But you know, he will still “be around” and “in touch”. Well, that’s nice because I won’t, asshole. Delete, delete, block, block, peace out, deuces baby.
I gave him ALL the fucking space he wanted/needed. Made myself fucking available when he was actually fucking available. Bought him fucking beer when he came over. Let him eat my fucking food. Bought him fucking gifts. Let him fucking fuck me.
I am reevaluating myself now. Did I really WANT a relationship with him? Or did it just seem like a really nice idea because loneliness rears its ugly head sometimes. I definitely fell too hard for the guy…or fell hard for the idea of what we could have been. That’s usually it, isn’t it? Or we think we can help everyone…or “fix” everyone. Why would I want to be with someone like that anyways…someone who wouldn’t talk to me for days. Someone who wouldn’t open up to me, like I did to him. Someone who didn’t want my help with what we he was going through in his head, just my time…but only when it was convenient for him. Why do we turn into doormats for some people?
Listen, I am a fucking catch, God dammit. I can take down a bottle of wine without flinching, eat a 4 pound burrito in one sitting, I will buy shit for you because I hate spending money on myself, I love to give head, I love sex, I have gigantic boobs, I will give you whatever time I have, I will cook for you… Just give me the same awesomeness in return. And above all, give me respect, motherfucker.