I must apologize for my lack in posting as of late. October has been quite the month, I must say. My mother has been in the hospital, I have been sick for the past 6 weeks or so, I have been dealing with this whole goddamn truck being repossessed deal. Needless to say, this has been an exhausting month.

On top of everything else, I have to go and get the feels for somebody, don’t I? I know what you’re thinking: you stupid motherfucker. I could not agree more. I met Captain in a local bar on Labor Day weekend. I was pretty sloshed that night and I’m not quite sure if I would have approached him or wanted to approach him if I was in a sober state. For one, I am pretty shy when sober…I know, hard to believe. Most of my friends would say no, I am not…but when it comes to talking to guys, fuggedaboutit. Another reason, he is a lot shorter than I normally go for! He is 5’8″ and kind of fit, I would say. My “types” are usually burlier, taller, and chubbier. But goddammit if he’s not the cutest damn thing…so I brought him home that same night…like a fucking stray cat… #slootylife

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Do not fret, my bitches…nothing is official. I am still a single bitch. But…
I hate that I get butterflies when he calls or texts or when he comes over. I hate that I like him so much. I hate that I want to open up to him. I hate how comfortable and right it feels when we are spooning each other. It’s just lust…right? Ughhhh. #feelingssuck

Can I just tell you how nice it is to get the D on the reg though? I swear to God I think I am pooping better and my skin even feels better. Of course, if I had my way I would have it every night. But I cannot be greedy. He has a new job, kids, family, friends… I can’t expect all of his time. But if I could, I would take it.

In fact, it’s been a hot minute since I had to use my BOB. I whipped him out the other day because it had been a couple weeks since the Captain visited my Starship Enterprise… I turned it on, nothing. What the fuck? I fiddled with it…trying to get it to work, desperately. Nothing. I fished out a battery from my “sex stand”…replaced the old battery…nothing.

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It couldn’t be… BOB was dead! Purple BOB with his tiny nubs all over and his short physique. He helped me through 4 years of nearly sexless marriage. I swear to God I probably bought him 10 years ago. He is the only vibrator I have ever owned. Aside from those tiny egg things, which are super lame IMO. I was so upset… it’s the end of an era. Well, we had a good run together, BOB. Calling hours will be tomorrow at 5 PM. I would appreciate your support.

Now comes the exciting part… I get to buy a new toy!

Lady Parts Justice yas yasss yaaass yaaasss

I am super stoked! I don’t know what I want! If anyone has any input, I would LOVE to hear it. I am looking to broaden my horizons (that’s what she said) and find a new toy that does wonderful things. I mean, BOB did keep me happy for many years…but he didn’t have any bells or whistles. He was very plain Jane. Like his owner.

Today is Dia De Los Muertos…and Tuesday. Go have yourself a fucking taco and a cerveza. Adios, perras.